She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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