I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
