There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I need to sanitize my soul.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Randomize
