dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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