if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
