the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
