my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
