I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
