if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
