Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
