Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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