so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
