I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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