im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
