Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
