I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
