he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
