You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
