Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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