In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
accomplished twins. life is a go
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
