DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
