You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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