you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
