Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
