I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
