you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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