Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
