Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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