I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
