There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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