do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
We had sex on a dog bed..
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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