I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I love having hate sex.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
