buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
