I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
