last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
