Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
