areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
