I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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