My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I checked into jail on foursquare
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
