"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
