Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
you inspire me to be a worse person
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
