My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
