On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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