smell my finger.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
