Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
