none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My ATM looks so different sober.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
