Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
