I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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