yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
