Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
