he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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