I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
