I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
