please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
